Disorder

Original Post 18/11/2011

I came to the realisation the other day that I have an eating disorder. I have always had a problem where I will binge on certain foods. I'm not talking about having a little more than I should, everyone at some point or another will over-eat. I'm talking about full-on binge sessions where I will eat 5 chocolate bars in one sitting, or a whole pizza on my own. I will eat even when I'm not hungry and if I try to stop myself I will feel depressed. I also get annoyed and then depressed after a binge eating session.

Today I remembered that when I was around 10 I used to spend all of my £5 pocket money on sweets (and those were the days when penny sweets actually cost 1p and a fiver was a fair amount of pocket money) and eat them in one sitting. I remember being weighed at some point during primary school (year 4 or 5) and one of my peers gasping at my weight (he had come over, against my will, to see what I weighed). When I got to secondary school I was very overweight. I have no idea what I weighed but I remember feeling like crap. I got to the point where I wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch and then binge when I got home as I was so hungry. I used to hide my uneaten lunch in my room so my parents wouldn't find out. They did eventually and I managed to convince them that I just wasn't hungry. In reality I think I had convinced myself I wasn't hungry, but I just didn't want to eat around other people. One of my first memories is walking home from school with my mum and she had bought me an ice cream. Everyone else was having those 10p ice lollies but I had a full-size Magnum and I remember one of my classmates gasping when he saw what I had. My mum had/has a real problem with saying no to me and whilst I don't blame her I think this has had a big impact on my problems now. By the time I started uni I was a relatively normal weight. By the time I finished I had eaten my way to being 5 stone over weight. I have lost 4.5 stone of that weight but now my grip on the situation is slipping. I am really sacred of ending up where I started. I am by no means happy with myself at the moment but I am happier than I was a year and a half ago.

I think that maybe I felt slightly neglected as a child as my parents were constantly having to sort out problems with my Brother's children, and so food became a comfort. This is the only thing I can think of for my eating habits now. I have decided to make an appointment to see the Doctor in the hope I can get some help, and I'll blog again after.