Had a week away and I feel much better, I think. I've decided to continue with the PhD, at least until December. If I haven't made significant progress by then I'll call it a day (I only have until March next year anyway). I have a meeting with my supervisor on Wednesday and I want to discuss how we are going to move forward and make sure I finish on time.

On a side note, I had an 'interesting' dream last night about a friend. He'd recently split up with his girlfriend and we got drunk...

Feel a bit better today. Not sure why exactly but it's a start. Managed to keep my eating under control today, even though I wanted to binge. It's difficult but if I can ignore the cravings, they pass in about 20 to 30 mins. Off on holiday tomorrow evening so I'll have to do the best I can food-wise. Once I get back I'm going to try to lose as much weight as I can for a friend's wedding at the end of October. If I stick at it I can shift much of the weight I have regained and then, hopefully, hit my target just in time for Christmas (a food nightmare!).  

Perhaps I should give up.

Feeling worse than I was before. Actually cried earlier for no reason. I went to the Doctor's the other day to see if I could get some SSRIs as they're supposed to help with binge eating. He said he'd prescribe them if I really wanted me to, but he recommended that I wait for my self-help appointment. As I don't like going against medical advice I said I'd wait, but maybe I should go back and see him again (he said to go back if I changed my mind).

Ugh, scrap everything I said in my last post. This is probably the lowest I have been for as long as I can remember. I try to look on the bright side because in the grand scheme of things I've nothing to complain about. But at the end of the day everyone's reference point is their own life. My PhD is going nowhere fast, despite how much I try to convince my supervisor (who is next to useless). I wasn't given the job that I was practically promised, and as a result I have no idea what to do when I eventually finish.

I guess I'll just have to KBO, as Churchill would say.

 

Post tenebras lux

After a particularly bad few months of relapse, I'm finally back in control. I decided to take the step of giving up chocolate and fast food altogether, as they were my main binge-eating foods. Everything I had read about binge eating had said not to give up any particular food, as this can trigger binging. I tried to have controlled amounts of these foods and sometimes I would be OK, and other times it would make things worse. Almost as soon as I made the decision, it was like a switch had been flicked. I didn't get any cravings or urges and I've not been off plan since I made that decision two weeks ago. I've lost 11.5lbs of the weight that I gained back and hopefully I'll reach my target weight sometime around the middle of August. I'm going on holiday at the beginning of September so I really want to be at my target weight then. 

I'm a bit apprehensive of what I'll be able to eat when I'm on holiday. There's no way I'll be able to stick to SW 100% but I'll have to do the best that I can, and choose the best options I have available. Rather than have a full fried breakfast (which you can do on SW, with some tweaks), I can have fruit and fat free yogurt. Plus we're going to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen for my birthday which, as far as I'm aware, is a set menu. I'll just have to make sure I have plenty of exercise (as there's a swimming pool and a beach this shouldn't be too difficult). 

Hopefully I'm back on track now, only time will tell.         

I was watching a show the other day called Obese: A Year to Save My Life. It does pretty much what it says on the tin. It's takes severely obese people and follows them over the course of a year, as they lose weight and save their lives. This particular episode featured a guy named Wally, who was 490lb (around 37 stones). His first challenge was to lose 110lb (nearly 8 stones) in 90 days. Now that's a hell of a feat, losing a bit over 1lb per day for 90 days. If he succeeds, him and his family would be sent to Disney Land. He managed it by the skin of his teeth, losing exactly 110lbs in the time-frame.

From there though, things started going downhill. He was challenged to lose 70lbs over the next 90 days but only managed 29. He reveals he has started eating fast food more and his trainer goes ballistic. He's set the challenge of getting back on track and doing a 100 mile bike ride. He doesn't succeed and after 40 miles needs medical attention as he's just too big to handle the extreme task.

The next 90 days are even worse. He starts eating junk food every day and is lying to his friends and family. He stops replying to his trainer, and sends what appears to be a suicide note. His trainer immediately flies over to find out what's going on. Wally says he just can't stop eating the junk food and is extremely depressed. His trainer weighs him in and he's gained back over 60lbs.

Normally, at the end of the year there's a big reveal to friends and family to show how far the person has come. Considering what's happened, Wally's trainer decides to end things there and admit Wally to rehab for food addiction. During the whole episode, I understood how this guy felt. I realised a while ago that I have a food addiction too. I got to 17 stone, half this guy's weight, but managed to turn things around. I still struggle every day though and I did slip up over the last few months and gained back about 16lbs, after losing a bit over 60. I've got things under control again and I'm losing the weight I gained back.

I don't think people quite understand how hard it is to live with food addiction, or that it even exists. If you are a smoker, you don't need cigarettes to live. If you are an alcoholic, you don't need to drink alcohol to live. If you are a drug addict, you don't need your drug to live. But you need to eat food, you can't just stop eating. You have to face you addiction 3 times a day, every day. Not only that, the advertising of cigarettes has been banned and alcohol advertisements are highly regulated. There aren't the same regulations for junk food, except during kids' TV. Everywhere you turn there are adverts; at bus stops, on billboards, on the TV, on the radio. You go into the supermarket and they have junk at the tills and junk food is always being offered for cheap. Hopefully, one day, the food industry will be made to take responsibility. Until then I'll keep going and try to keep this under control.