Post tenebras lux

After a particularly bad few months of relapse, I'm finally back in control. I decided to take the step of giving up chocolate and fast food altogether, as they were my main binge-eating foods. Everything I had read about binge eating had said not to give up any particular food, as this can trigger binging. I tried to have controlled amounts of these foods and sometimes I would be OK, and other times it would make things worse. Almost as soon as I made the decision, it was like a switch had been flicked. I didn't get any cravings or urges and I've not been off plan since I made that decision two weeks ago. I've lost 11.5lbs of the weight that I gained back and hopefully I'll reach my target weight sometime around the middle of August. I'm going on holiday at the beginning of September so I really want to be at my target weight then. 

I'm a bit apprehensive of what I'll be able to eat when I'm on holiday. There's no way I'll be able to stick to SW 100% but I'll have to do the best that I can, and choose the best options I have available. Rather than have a full fried breakfast (which you can do on SW, with some tweaks), I can have fruit and fat free yogurt. Plus we're going to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen for my birthday which, as far as I'm aware, is a set menu. I'll just have to make sure I have plenty of exercise (as there's a swimming pool and a beach this shouldn't be too difficult). 

Hopefully I'm back on track now, only time will tell.         

I was watching a show the other day called Obese: A Year to Save My Life. It does pretty much what it says on the tin. It's takes severely obese people and follows them over the course of a year, as they lose weight and save their lives. This particular episode featured a guy named Wally, who was 490lb (around 37 stones). His first challenge was to lose 110lb (nearly 8 stones) in 90 days. Now that's a hell of a feat, losing a bit over 1lb per day for 90 days. If he succeeds, him and his family would be sent to Disney Land. He managed it by the skin of his teeth, losing exactly 110lbs in the time-frame.

From there though, things started going downhill. He was challenged to lose 70lbs over the next 90 days but only managed 29. He reveals he has started eating fast food more and his trainer goes ballistic. He's set the challenge of getting back on track and doing a 100 mile bike ride. He doesn't succeed and after 40 miles needs medical attention as he's just too big to handle the extreme task.

The next 90 days are even worse. He starts eating junk food every day and is lying to his friends and family. He stops replying to his trainer, and sends what appears to be a suicide note. His trainer immediately flies over to find out what's going on. Wally says he just can't stop eating the junk food and is extremely depressed. His trainer weighs him in and he's gained back over 60lbs.

Normally, at the end of the year there's a big reveal to friends and family to show how far the person has come. Considering what's happened, Wally's trainer decides to end things there and admit Wally to rehab for food addiction. During the whole episode, I understood how this guy felt. I realised a while ago that I have a food addiction too. I got to 17 stone, half this guy's weight, but managed to turn things around. I still struggle every day though and I did slip up over the last few months and gained back about 16lbs, after losing a bit over 60. I've got things under control again and I'm losing the weight I gained back.

I don't think people quite understand how hard it is to live with food addiction, or that it even exists. If you are a smoker, you don't need cigarettes to live. If you are an alcoholic, you don't need to drink alcohol to live. If you are a drug addict, you don't need your drug to live. But you need to eat food, you can't just stop eating. You have to face you addiction 3 times a day, every day. Not only that, the advertising of cigarettes has been banned and alcohol advertisements are highly regulated. There aren't the same regulations for junk food, except during kids' TV. Everywhere you turn there are adverts; at bus stops, on billboards, on the TV, on the radio. You go into the supermarket and they have junk at the tills and junk food is always being offered for cheap. Hopefully, one day, the food industry will be made to take responsibility. Until then I'll keep going and try to keep this under control.       

Disorder update

Original Post 23/11/2011

I couldn't get an appointment yesterday, by the time I got through on the phone (10 mins after they opened) all of the appointments had gone. I did get a phone appointment and the Doctor said I need to come in for a face-to-face consultation, so I have to go in this afternoon. On the plus side I think I've managed to regain control and I've had a good two days. I'll post again after my appointment.

EDIT: Well I had my appointment and the Doctor has referred me for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am still waiting for my letter to find out what exactly is going to happen.

Disorder

Original Post 18/11/2011

I came to the realisation the other day that I have an eating disorder. I have always had a problem where I will binge on certain foods. I'm not talking about having a little more than I should, everyone at some point or another will over-eat. I'm talking about full-on binge sessions where I will eat 5 chocolate bars in one sitting, or a whole pizza on my own. I will eat even when I'm not hungry and if I try to stop myself I will feel depressed. I also get annoyed and then depressed after a binge eating session.

Today I remembered that when I was around 10 I used to spend all of my £5 pocket money on sweets (and those were the days when penny sweets actually cost 1p and a fiver was a fair amount of pocket money) and eat them in one sitting. I remember being weighed at some point during primary school (year 4 or 5) and one of my peers gasping at my weight (he had come over, against my will, to see what I weighed). When I got to secondary school I was very overweight. I have no idea what I weighed but I remember feeling like crap. I got to the point where I wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch and then binge when I got home as I was so hungry. I used to hide my uneaten lunch in my room so my parents wouldn't find out. They did eventually and I managed to convince them that I just wasn't hungry. In reality I think I had convinced myself I wasn't hungry, but I just didn't want to eat around other people. One of my first memories is walking home from school with my mum and she had bought me an ice cream. Everyone else was having those 10p ice lollies but I had a full-size Magnum and I remember one of my classmates gasping when he saw what I had. My mum had/has a real problem with saying no to me and whilst I don't blame her I think this has had a big impact on my problems now. By the time I started uni I was a relatively normal weight. By the time I finished I had eaten my way to being 5 stone over weight. I have lost 4.5 stone of that weight but now my grip on the situation is slipping. I am really sacred of ending up where I started. I am by no means happy with myself at the moment but I am happier than I was a year and a half ago.

I think that maybe I felt slightly neglected as a child as my parents were constantly having to sort out problems with my Brother's children, and so food became a comfort. This is the only thing I can think of for my eating habits now. I have decided to make an appointment to see the Doctor in the hope I can get some help, and I'll blog again after.